hiiiii :D ★ i'm newgen but pretty cool (and smart and funny and cute and adorable) ★ ★ get LOUD‼️‼️ ★ GET CRAZY‼️‼️ ★ loves raves (but hasnt been to one yet)★ ★ 3DS FC: 4183-9047-9648, EN/FR, OG Homebrew dev. lovin tha shrimp!!!! ★ ★ Mobile game enjoyer!! FGO, CRK, HSR, Unite, DGS ★
Note - Our sense of self has been a little weird for a while. I don't have a persona, (i am NOT saying fur, eugh.) or anything, the me you see in images is literally ME. That is my physical body, how we see ourselves, and wish others to see us that way too. It's why we try so hard to achieve the presets I set for ourselves, we have a constant internalized fear of people being disappointed in us when we don't match how we act or say we are with our appearance. That honestly hurts more than almost anything anybody could say to us, chasing perfection, but always feeling like we're not enough, an endless cycle we're stuck in and have been for a decade.
We recently decided to start working on a website again, only to find out that we have forgotten almost everything. Great. We have people to look up to and feel like we're failing them, even though they haven't said anything. Those eyes crawl up our back and watch our every move, cruel and judging. Our life isn't one for mistakes, even though we know it's natural to make them, it pains us slightly to ask for help because we should just know it already. But we don't. In lighter news, the new freinds we have are really helping relieve some of the stress of being alive, and fairly jovial people. Real dependable. It feels like we were finally dealt a good hand, and the previous bad rolls have just been very bad luck with people. For twelve years.
We have so many ambitions, dreams, wants, desires, but they all come with a cost; time. We stay up late into our nights far more than we're supposed to, like now for example, we have work in seven hours. We feel as if we have no free time, and then when we do it's wasted doing things unproductive, and then we get mad at ourselves and swear, "tomorrow, we'll really start working on this," or "maybe later," and knowing that we make excuses four ourselves and barley do anything makes us feel pathetic. Why do we know we do things like that and still just, not do it? What is wrong?
We make music, art both 2D and 3D, sculpt, paint, and have so much more potential. But feel like we're failing everyone we know and everyone around us by not using it to the best of our abilities. We never have.
Maybe this feeling is that sense of dread that follows us around creeping back up and we've let our guard down because of these new freinds allowing us to be soft. It's our birthday in ten days, we will be turning twenty three. All we can imagine is how much we wished to have by now and haven't made a single step towards the path of actually obtaining it. All of the people before and after us that will have so much by the time they're our age our younger; the things we just couldn't do. Wouldn't do, for fear of failure stopped us from every trying.
And to you; you were right. We can't handle it. It feels like it will be used against us later as a form of punishment for showing any emotion other than what we're expected to. Going out of our comfort zone to extend a hand, just to lose it. It will always feel that way.
Have something to ease this wall of whining and misery. (picrel)
Ohh, another set of good news for NA. Back in 2023, JP got an SR Choice Ticket for their 3000 days freebie bonus. It's been around two-ish years since then, so it's just around the corner, early to mid September. The ticket lets us select 100+ Servants, some never before in a free ticket like thins since they're allowing story limited, regular pull, and limited as well. We've never been able to select a limited four star. Out of all of the Limited ones, I'm only missing 19, which isn't as many as i thought. I'm hard locked on Nitocris (Asassin), Gorgon, Summer Mordred, Nero, Summer Gareth as well, but she is notoriously considered the worst four star in the game. I think she's cute, though.
Continuing, Asagami, Summer Martha, and Ushiwakamaru (Asassin.) These are all interesting servants I'd like to get with this ticket. Interesting niche picks that i get to see what kinds of things i could do at NP1. I have Koyan, Castria, both Skaidi and one Tamamao. Trust the process.
Oh. Super Saiyan 2 Gohan finally got his EZA, and it's looking to be VERY good. Stacking attack and even higher defence, he looks like another unit to run under the newly released INT LR Gohan + Goten / Trunks's 220% Leaderskill. I really want this Gohan to be runnable again, he's a personal favourite of ours. From the looks of it, getting just 18 Ki with him seems to be the nuking, defensive, and a supporting sweetspot. He has so much, but unfortunately gets not as great after turn 4 due to his loss of universal guard and the 30% Damage Reduction. Hopefully, you run him with AA + Crit, and some dodge. He feels like a really fun unit just from reading his kit, but we haven't seen him in action yet. Here's to hope that he is.
New major Servant for the 10th Anni over on JP, U-Olga Marie. We finally have our original director back. She's a new class, UnBeast how exciting. Her abilities are rather extensive as well, expected from a 10th year anniversary servant. She might be the most unique in the game, with some of her Skills being and not limited to; 300% battery, paired with TWO LEVELS of NP overcharge, once for 3 turns. A 50% Powermod against all seven knight classes for one turn, self 20% buster buff, party 30%, 100% Extra Attack damage, 30% crit damage, 50% NP gain, and finally ignore invincible. all for the party. christ. These are just two of her Skills, and in her ascension 1 - 2. She gets a completely different set when she's in her 3rd form, and it's more practical, survival focused, and hates you. Her class being "UnBeast" just makes her a reverse Ruler. Nothing too bad, but we will write and in depth review on her later after a week or so of use.
Physical preference being seen as rude will never make sense to me. I've been thinking about it for a few days and it still bothers me a lot. People can walk up to me, touch me at their own will, and when i say "Don't touch me." and swipe their hands off of me, I'm the rude one? I get the weird look? I already hate when I get touched, let alone by strangers at a dirty workplace. Nasty behaviour.
@CaptAsh I just feel like I should have already done it, you know? It's hard to get through and I fear it's one of the things I just can't stomach. My own attempts end in failure, and I feel even worse that I'm letting people down. My representation of myself is so grand, the design is so specific and very much appealing, but then you hear the person behind it. Shatters the illusion and disappoints everyone.
I know the people I know respect it, including you, but in the back of my head it feels like pity.
Do people actually like transfems with deep voices? Personally, I have nothing against anybody with one but myself. It's embarrassing having to hear myself, but a blessing that my friends don't think I'm as annoying as I do. I've been trying to teach myself how to change it with voice training, but those tutorials are very difficult and don't make any sense to me. Trying them out loud puts pits in my stomach and holes in my head. It makes me feel an emotion I don't really know how to explain, other than immediate and dizzying.
Ive been told it's fine, but I really feel like I should have just taken it seriously years ago so it would be easier now. The past is 20/20, I suppose.
:btr_ikuyo_panic: 
:aftonsparv: 
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