My Super Estrogen has arrived. This is good news, and it smells like alcohol so I know it's right. But, slight pawblem are the tblockers... They should be here in two weeks. I guess mono until then, and this bottle has 300 sprays so I'm keeping track. 298 left.
Romanticizing things that don't need to be.
Drugs and alcohol, for example. The mental image I have is that I could stop stressing about so much, and let go, if only temporarily, of the unending trail and blurbs of thoughts and processes that stream through my brain daily. Every minute of every day I am constantly thinking, talking, moving, acting and performing, in a sense, because it's just what I've learned and have had to do for as long as I can remember. The moments of silence are nice, but I am always anxious in the back of my mind to do something, stop being "lazy", even in my peace, I cannot sit still.
What I want and am envisioning these substances to do is just give me the ability to "let go." I want to be able to not be so tightly wound, take orders from others, and just do things without this terribly obnoxious sense of "pride" get in the way. Lose the perpetual angry face I've been told I have, stop looking so scary too, just a normal person for a night. Or day, anything works. Not die or anything, just, function less? I guess? I wouldn't mind just being a little dumbed down so I wouldn't have to worry about the things I usually do.
I'm romanticising it in my head because I'm used to always having to be in charge, sorting my own things out along with everyone else's. I know how people get when smoking, drinking, shooting or snorting, even, but I will never do those last two. It's just a way of relaxation I have never tried and have a very big interest in, and my mind has been warping it to make me like it more and more, but I know better than that. Half of how I feel comes from places of insecurity I'm sure, like that annoying "ego" I feel says things before I even get to think on what to say myself since I've had to feircly protect a lot of people and things in my life, so that old way of thinking kicks in and my mouth spits out what I would have said a long time ago to not get "dispresected." I don't really know how to get rid of that, so I personified it as Vegeta in my head. Unrelated, I know, but I feel like it makes sense to me in context.
Smoking seems the most interesting to me, because a lot of people I know do it and it's been used by a lot of people I have known, I just never trusted it due to how it was abused in the places I grew up like my parent's or freind's houses, or schools too. Trying It once would hopefully be the experience I'm hyping it up to be, but I think that genuinely just some anxiety and ADHD medication would help as well. it's also a gateway for me to be vulnerable, since I know that it's very hard for me but I don't know why. So, it could also be interpreted as an excuse to get closer to somebody I trust and show a side of me that personally, I don't even know what it's like. Everything is always jokes and deflection, because I don't really know how else to act. My past feels like a big sob story, and my present is looking up so far, so we're getting better at that.
What is the point of this post? I want to smoke and get stupid one day.
:btr_ikuyo_panic: 
:aftonsparv: 
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