Note - Our sense of self has been a little weird for a while. I don't have a persona, (i am NOT saying fur, eugh.) or anything, the me you see in images is literally ME. That is my physical body, how we see ourselves, and wish others to see us that way too. It's why we try so hard to achieve the presets I set for ourselves, we have a constant internalized fear of people being disappointed in us when we don't match how we act or say we are with our appearance. That honestly hurts more than almost anything anybody could say to us, chasing perfection, but always feeling like we're not enough, an endless cycle we're stuck in and have been for a decade.
We recently decided to start working on a website again, only to find out that we have forgotten almost everything. Great. We have people to look up to and feel like we're failing them, even though they haven't said anything. Those eyes crawl up our back and watch our every move, cruel and judging. Our life isn't one for mistakes, even though we know it's natural to make them, it pains us slightly to ask for help because we should just know it already. But we don't. In lighter news, the new freinds we have are really helping relieve some of the stress of being alive, and fairly jovial people. Real dependable. It feels like we were finally dealt a good hand, and the previous bad rolls have just been very bad luck with people. For twelve years.
We have so many ambitions, dreams, wants, desires, but they all come with a cost; time. We stay up late into our nights far more than we're supposed to, like now for example, we have work in seven hours. We feel as if we have no free time, and then when we do it's wasted doing things unproductive, and then we get mad at ourselves and swear, "tomorrow, we'll really start working on this," or "maybe later," and knowing that we make excuses four ourselves and barley do anything makes us feel pathetic. Why do we know we do things like that and still just, not do it? What is wrong?
We make music, art both 2D and 3D, sculpt, paint, and have so much more potential. But feel like we're failing everyone we know and everyone around us by not using it to the best of our abilities. We never have.
Maybe this feeling is that sense of dread that follows us around creeping back up and we've let our guard down because of these new freinds allowing us to be soft. It's our birthday in ten days, we will be turning twenty three. All we can imagine is how much we wished to have by now and haven't made a single step towards the path of actually obtaining it. All of the people before and after us that will have so much by the time they're our age our younger; the things we just couldn't do. Wouldn't do, for fear of failure stopped us from every trying.
And to you; you were right. We can't handle it. It feels like it will be used against us later as a form of punishment for showing any emotion other than what we're expected to. Going out of our comfort zone to extend a hand, just to lose it.
It will always feel that way.
Have something to ease this wall of whining and misery. (picrel)
@GabbiXARC@meow.company