Getting more and more happy and hopeful as of late. Usually, would consider myself a pretty private person before last year, keeping everything to myself and just marching on in absolute agony, the teachings of my terrible family still fresh in my mind. "A man must protect", among many other traditional views that have been pushed on me my entire life, and I fully believed in. Decompiling those thoughts and understanding that truly, I am a woman, is finally starting to sink in. I'd say a huge help was the slight misunderstanding that led to a personal, meaningful name change. Formerly, I hated people calling me "Gabbie", since to me it felt way too intimate, like a personal boundary had been crossed, and wrong in a way. Why? I couldn't tell you in the slightest. But due to these amazing new freinds I've met, it's the default way to address me now. And I'm starting to do it in my own head, too. No questioning, somebody says the name and my heart skips a beat, and my ears perk up, even if it's something as mundane as saying hi. This transitioning stuff is no joke.
I still have a very long path ahead of me, but I feel more prepared to walk it than I ever have before. Learning how to properly express and understand emotions in healthy ways, communicate and understand why I act the way I do as long as others, and generally doing some maturing that I hadn't known I'd needed at the time. I'm very thankful for this new crowd of freindly faces—endless kindness and acceptance. For the first time in a while, I can genuinely say that I am happy. 💜
My number one supporter, Saturn, has had my back for ages and I was too blind to see how dedicated she is until I was already chewed up and spit out by somebody else. And for that, my deepest, genuine, sincere apologies. I knew you were serious, but my insecurities at the time convinced me that you were out for yourself and I was just an easy and cheap form of happiness, and when I was lied to about you, I believed it. For that, too, I am sorry. It wasn't fair for me to do that when I had barely known anything. (This isn't to say anything bad happened with her, I am just not as forgiving of myself as she is to me.)
Writing in my own little corner is therapeutic, and I like doing it. I will try and keep this up for the next little while. It's like a giant load off my chest and lets me breathe easy.
Get yourself a good dog. It'll change your life. 💜
Goodnight readers. I have work in a few hours.
@GabbiXARC@meow.company